The Ongoing Battle

If you believe in HAES (Health at Every Size) or are a proponent of Fat Acceptance, you know this battle. It’s the battle to banish those pesky thoughts of weight control and dieting out of your mind. It’s even tougher when you’re working with a newer doctor that you really like but who is still very much of the mindset that losing weight will help solve health woes.

I’m having a minor meltdown over this. Why? I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and I am not sure what is going to happen. Last time I was there, I stepped on the scale backwards, and a weight was recorded. She is hoping to see a change in that number, and the well-programmed old mindset of “dieting + losing weight = healthy” is kicking in a bit. I know very well that diets do NOT work. I’ve had a lifetime of experience with that failure.

I am working through my disordered eating issues and my body issues and striving to embrace HAES and fat acceptance. But, bloody hell is it hard. It’s very hard and made worse by the fact that I like this doctor and am struggling to fight the mindset of winning or earning her approval by losing weight. Yes, that’s right, my mind is a fucked-up, brain-washed perfect storm of a mess.

Hence, the freak-out. None of this will do my blood pressure any good, so I need to chill. Writing this is a form of chilling. Spilling out my jumbled thoughts onto this page will help me relieve my mind of this burden. It’s upsetting me enough that I teared up more than once today while talking to a friend about it.

So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I’ve started that.

1) Write about it and let it out. One of the best things I can do about this massive mind jumble is to vent here. By writing about it, I’m distilling it from my brain to someplace else.

2) Acknowledge that I can’t magically change my body overnight. That’s right. I cannot change my body between tonight and tomorrow. I need to release the stress and stop focusing on it.

3) Actively embrace and practice HAES. I won’t lie. I do not actively practice it. It’s also not something that will happen overnight. It will be a process of many weeks, months, and most likely years. The best response is that I accept this and not give in to a sense of shame or guilt over it.

4) Refuse to fat-shame myself or batter myself with guilt or consider myself a failure. I am not a failure. I am simply a fat woman. I do have health issues that could be helped by embracing HAES and practicing it. That is where my focus should be. Not shaming myself because I’m fat or lambasting myself with guilt because I didn’t live up to someone else’s expectations. As someone who is battling (and will continue to battle) with acceptance/rejection issues, this is hard.

I have a lot of fucked-up issues tangled up huge hairy knots. I don’t say this to earn sympathy or pity from anyone. I am simply stating a fact. There are disordered eating issues wrapped up in the acceptance/rejection issues wrapped up in the body image issues wrapped up in the childhood neglect issues wrapped up in the childhood molestation issues. They are as much a part of me as my love for my husband, my cats, my chosen family, my friends, and some members of my blood family. I would not be the person I am today if I had not lived through the bad moments, as well as the good moments, of my life. And honestly, that would be a shame, because I am an amazing, intelligent, beautiful person with love and joy to share.

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